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- For Love & Money is a column from Business Insider answering your relationship and money questions.
- This week, a reader can’t afford an expensive Christmas for their kids.
- Our columnist says it’s not selfish to put their kids over family members who refuse to offer support.
- Got a question for our columnist? Write to For Love & Money using this Google form.
Dear For Love & Money,
The holiday season always causes a lot of tension in my family, and this year, I just want to opt out.
I am so broke I have no idea how I will even buy my kids winter coats, but my wealthy family refuses to help me. I have tried asking them for loans to help pay off debt and escape the cycle that’s draining me dry. I have tried asking my parents for an early Christmas present of cash so I can afford to give my kids a Christmas. I have lowered my pride and told them straight out that I’m not sure I will be able to afford gifts for my kids.
When I put them in a situation where they have to answer me directly, they always have a weak reason for saying no, but most of the time, they avoid the conversation altogether. Somehow, they still expect me to show up for every holiday gathering, to be cheerful, and to act like everything is fine between us.
I love my family, but I feel very hurt and scared, and their drama is the last thing I should be spending my energy on right now. They want me around for the celebrations, but when it comes to offering practical or emotional support, I feel like I’m on my own. I just don’t want to play pretend with them this year.
How do I tell them I won’t be joining the family get-togethers this year without coming off like an entitled brat punishing them for not giving me money?
Sincerely,
Out in the Cold
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Dear Out in the Cold,
Here’s an unpopular opinion sure to make the internet clutch its proverbial pearls — I think entitlement gets a bad rap because sometimes it’s the only appropriate emotion. Sometimes, you really are just entitled to things.
That said, you are an adult and don’t have a right to anyone else’s money, but you have every right to your parents’ support. You say your family is wealthy, and their excuses are weak, but let’s go ahead and give them the benefit of the doubt and say neither of those things are true. Perhaps they have much less money than you realize, and every excuse they’ve given you was true. This still doesn’t let them off the hook emotionally.
Your parents’ emotional support in this situation could look like them listening with care when you come to them with requests, honoring your vulnerability with real answers, and trying to help you problem-solve even when they can’t do it with their checkbooks.
They could offer you a place to stay over the holidays to alleviate your grocery and utility bills, help you find resources, and connect you with organizations that will help you out with presents, dinner, or winter coats. In other words, your parents don’t have to hand you money to show they care, but instead, they’ve chosen to pretend they don’t see your need or hear your pleas for help.
There are all kinds of reasons your parents may be doing this: They simply don’t want to help, they find it embarrassing that their child isn’t a raging financial success, they believe they’re challenging you with tough love, or they’re worried if they help you out once, you’ll never stop asking them for it.
Whatever their reason, it goes back to them and their desires. If I were you, I’d let those desires keep them cozy this holiday season. You have more significant problems to solve, and they’ve made it clear they’re not interested in helping.
Is this a punishment? I think a better description would be natural consequences. You will need to spend the next several weeks figuring out how to give your kids the warm, fed, magical season they deserve, and you won’t have money as a shortcut. Instead of engaging in your family’s annual charade of closeness, spend your time and energy creating genuine connections with your kids.
To help your children experience the magic of the holidays, I would look into local places that offer relief this time of year. Many churches and food banks can help with groceries and have programs for helping buy presents, and some banks and mortgage lenders may often offer one-time passes for skipping a payment over the holidays. Figuring out your options will take research and humility, but there are supports out there for people in your circumstances.
You can also make your holidays cheaper through creativity and a little extra effort. Shop primarily at thrift stores and Facebook Marketplace. Go handmade, and emphasize moments and sentiment over dollar signs. Getting your kids involved in decorating the house with construction paper and popcorn chains will give them memories sure to outlast the latest fad toy they’ll forget before spring.
Allowing your kids free rein over the Christmas feast will more than make up for it being a spaghetti dinner, and cuddling up in your sweats to sip hot cocoa and read “The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe” aloud together will mean so much more to them than matching PJ sets.
This is what I would tell your parents when you decline their invitations — everything I’ve mentioned. You can’t make it to Christmas dinner; your oldest is planning a spaghetti feast. You can’t make it to opening presents; you have a Christmas Eve party of your own to enjoy with your kids. In other words, you’ll be too busy conjuring holiday magic for your babies with love, hard work, and true connection to show up for your parent’s yearly game of avoidance, deflection, and phoniness.
Telling them this might hurt their feelings, but you know what? A tight-knit family requires an investment they have refused to make, and you won’t be repeating their mistakes with your own children. Say it with your chest; it sure seems like they need to hear it.
Rooting for you,
For Love & Money
Looking for advice on how your savings, debt, or another financial challenge is affecting your relationships? Write to For Love & Money using this Google form.
