This as-told-to essay is based on a transcribed conversation with Bill Safcik, a 54-year-old parent from Texas, who works at Microsoft. Business Insider has verified his employment. The following has been edited for length and clarity.
I’ve provided developer support, account management, and consulting, and I currently support Azure Identity, a Microsoft cloud service provider. Working in tech, it’s tough to disconnect from technology, and as a father of four, I can’t imagine how tough it is for my kids.
Though I work in tech, I’m not very familiar with social media. Before my children hit puberty, it never dawned on me that technology could be an evil thing.
Now, my kids are 9, 12, 13, and 15, and I’m worried about cyberbullying and catfishing.
I’ve taken steps to manage their screen time and access to apps, even though I feel guilty about doing so sometimes.
As a parent, I am responsible for guiding my children and showing I can disconnect from screens myself.
My kids are on their screens a lot, but so am I
I’m addicted to technology. I’ll spend hours reading through tech documents to keep up with the latest developments.
I spend around 12 hours a day working at my computer. I also use Facebook and Instagram a little bit, but I’m not often on my phone.
When my kids were young, I noticed their grandmother wanted them to have a tablet if she watched them as a distraction.
I didn’t like giving them a device to keep them occupied. I’ve tried to talk to my kids in the car instead of letting them be on tablets, but as a society, we expose our kids to lots of technology. I’ve sometimes even asked them to watch TV while I work.
My three oldest kids have iPads provided by their school, and they also have personal Android tablets and phones. My youngest has a phone but can’t make calls. He uses Messenger Kids, and I can control who he talks to. My oldest has a desktop.
My 12-year-old is smart and does well in school, so he gets bored easily. He used to come home from school and just sit on his phone. He’d easily be on it for 20 hours or play a video game for 16 hours straight, which flabbergasted me.
When I’ve tried to talk to my kids about consuming technology in moderation, they comment that I’m on my screen all day. I try to explain that I have to work, but I feel responsible.
I worry about my kids being bullied and catfished online
We encourage our kids to get involved in school programs like band, but they’re still uncomfortable with some face-to-face interaction.
If we’re at In-N-Out and I tell them to ask for a straw, they won’t want to, but they’ll easily chat with people on their phones.
I never had that problem growing up when there was no social media. I’d walk into the grocery store, see all my neighbors, say good morning, and ask if I could rake their leaves.
I’m worried about them getting bullied or catfished. My oldest son is always looking for side jobs online, but I fear who he interacts with. Even though he’s a big kid, I worry about him.
When my oldest son was 12, we gave him a phone. After a while, I went through his browser history and saw that he was watching content that wasn’t age-appropriate.
We then started looking for tools to monitor our kids’ technology use.
I set a 1-hour screen time limit for my kids during the school year
First, we set PIN codes on all the TVs and tablets in the house. But they were asking me to unlock the devices 20 times a day.
18 months ago, I started using an app called Aura. It links their devices to mine, and I can click on their profiles to see what apps they’re using and how long they spend on them. I didn’t know apps like Discord existed until it alerted me that my oldest son was using it.
I talked with my three oldest kids about the monitoring, saying I wanted to ensure they were consuming age-appropriate material. They were all reasonable about it.
I don’t see it as an invasion of privacy because, as parents, we’re there to guide them.
I also use Aura to set time limits on their devices. It’s one hour per child during the school year, but it’s three hours over the summer.
Aura tracks the screen time on all their tablets and phones and notifies me if the limit has been reached. I can give them bonus time if I choose. If not, it will block them from using apps and the internet, but they can still send texts. I don’t use Aura for their school iPads, which they use for homework.
I also use Screen Time, which allows me to approve any app my kids want to download. My three youngest kids can’t access YouTube. They also don’t have TikTok or Snapchat, but the older two have Instagram.
My kids are frustrated by the time limits, and I sometimes feel guilty about it, especially when they’re using their screens for something useful, and it shuts them out.
Kids need to grow and learn independently, but if I left them unchecked, I’d probably produce four hermits.
Since we made these adjustments, their relationship with technology has changed. They’ll play board games together and seek me out more during the day to have conversations. They’re locked out of their devices, so they just figure out what else they can do.
My 12-year-old used to ask me if I would extend his screen time, but recently, he asked me if I could buy him more books to read. It makes my heart sing.
I’ll probably start easing the restrictions, like stopping setting time limits and letting them use more apps when they each turn 16. But I’ll keep using Aura to keep track of their digital activity until they turn 18.
I’m trying to set a good example that my kids can follow
I think social media companies, in particular, are pushing users to spend time on their platforms because they largely rely on ad revenue. The 24/7 entertainment culture bothers me, and these companies need to be more accountable for the content they allow on there.
Big Tech may have pushed the digital world, but I’ve noticed that I’m increasingly being told by management to unwind and get offline at my company.
I’m trying to show my kids I can disconnect from devices. If they need something from me during the day, I have the flexibility with my job to get up and spend a bit of time with them.
If I’m not setting a good example as a parent, my children will spend 12 hours online a day, too.